Getting 25.6 fantasy points from Tom Brady, John Carchedi's Italian Ninjas (6-7) clinched a playoff berth with a 114.1-91.1 victory over Naoko Funayama's UNITAS (4-9) squad. Carchedi also got big point totals from the melodically named trio of Chad Ochocinco, Anquan Boldin and Knowshon Moreno. ("I'd like to buy a vowel, please, Alex.")
Naoko, on the other hand, dropped her fourth straight tilt despite her proven tactic of starting injured running backs Michael Turner and Clinton Portis.
As is often the case, following the game, Carchedi — pictured above channeling his inner Joe Perry of Aerosmith — had nothing but kind words for his opponent.
"What makes Naoko such a great reporter is her hard work, dedication and willingness to throw a fantasy football week when her colleague is on the verge of breakdown."
Elsewhere in the fantasy playoff picture, Kathryn and her Tappenators narrowly overcame John Chandler's More Cowbell team 111.2-106.45, clinching the overall No. 1 position in the postseason and cementing home-field advantage (if there were such a thing in fantasy football) throughout the playoffs.
Despite a rough day for quarterback Carson Palmer, the Tappenators (11-2) notched their ninth straight W thanks to solid performances from Chris Johnson, Miles Austin, Vernon Davis and Rashard Mendenhall. Chandler's Cowbells (4-9) got nice numbers from Philip Rivers and Santonio Holmes, but it wasn't enough to overcome the league's top team.
"This is getting a little ridiculous," Kathryn told reporters as she walked triumphantly off the field. "I had expected a very good showing from Chandler and his Bings, and we got a good battle. But we hope the competition continues to pick up a little more in the upcoming weeks leading into the playoffs. I think it would be good for our team to get a taste of losing before we roll to another victory. Too much of a good thing can be harmful.
A graceful winner, that Kathryn; always willing to send a positive message to the kids.
Speaking of graceful winners, SportsDesk host Cole Wright played against one this week in the form of reporter Heidi Watney. Heidi's Favre Forever team took a businesslike approach in outperforming Cole's I MEAN BUSINESSmen 111.65-107.90. Heidi and Cole's teams share the same record (5-8), but with Heidi's huge advantage in total points scored on the season, she holds the tiebreaker with Cole and, therefore, currently sits in the fifth playoff spot.
Cole is in position to nab the sixth and final postseason berth, but when asked by reporters about the possibility of advancing to the playoffs, he channeled his inner Jim Mora in making his bewilderment at the question clear.
"Playoffs?!?!?!" Cole asked. "Don't talk about playoffs! ? Playoffs? ? Are you kiddin' me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game!"
After further exclamations about how his team "couldn't do diddly-poo," Cole later got down to analyzing the current state of his squad, likening it to another team that made a memorable late-season run.
"I'm still in the hunt," he said, "clinging to postseason position by the skin of my teeth. You can just look at I MEAN BUSINESS as last season's Arizona Cardinals, except I don't plan on losing in the final game. I'm in it to win it!"
Sources told NESN.com that Cole's confidence is due to the fact that, and I quote, "I MEAN BUSINESS."
Elsewhere ? down goes Terrence, down goes Terrence, down goes Terrence! Eastern Division leader Terrence Johnson and his Crooked Lettas (9-4) fell to my Gray Cutoff Hoodies (8-5) 117.85-108.35.
My running backs LeSean McCoy and Ray Rice combined for a paltry 7.7 fantasy points, but Drew Brees and Wes Welker proved to be the difference in this interdivisional grudge match.
"Any win in this league is something to be proud of," I told my legions of followers on Twitter. "But beating Terrence, a man and fantasy player I hold in such high regard, is especially meaningful. Of course, he's also about twice my size, so it's in my best interest to say all of these nice things about him."
The Crooked Lettas and their giant-like GM are still in possession of the second seed in the postseason, but following the loss they declined comment. Perhaps their response will come on the fantasy field in Week 14.
Speaking of which, be sure to tune in for the exciting conclusion to the NESN.com Fantasy League's regular season this week. Who will make the playoffs? And who will take that long, painful walk out of the fantasy stadium, perhaps never to be seen again on the gridiron? And who MEANS BUSINESS?
Find out all of the answers in Week 14.
