Perfect oracle Paul the Octopus announced his retirement from predictions Monday through his spokesperson Tanja Munzig of the Sea Life Aquarium.
“He won’t give any more oracle predictions — either in football, nor in politics, lifestyle or economy,” she said. “Paul will get back to his former job, namely making children laugh.”
Even if he is done with divination, five of European’s historic powers are fighting over the sea creature like it’s World War I.
England has claimed ownership of Paul, as his official biography states that he was born in Weymouth prior to his trade to the Sea Life Aquarium.
Not to be outdone, Italy has claimed that the octopus was caught in Italian waters and that he should be returned to his rightful homeland. France, fresh off of its equally disastrous World Cup, has claimed that Paul was found near Elba, Napoleon’s home in exile, and that he should thus be considered French.
In light of its World Cup victory, Spain is the country perhaps most worthy of Paul’s presence. Even prior to the win over Holland in Sunday’s final, Spanish Prime Minister Jose Zapatero offered the cephalopod political asylum, due to the many death threats that he was receiving in Germany.
Hopefully, Paul will announce his decision on a live television event on ESPN.