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10. Free Face Tattoo: Rex Ryan caused quite a stir when he showed up to practice this week with a big ol’ tattoo on his calf. Apparently, the meaning behind it is “Believe in yourself.” You can’t just go and have the Jets’ head coach outdo you with the ink, Tom. It’s time to one-up Rex and go the Mike Tyson route. Don’t ask Gisele for permission. She’ll probably be OK with it.
9. Pop-Up Cake With Randy Moss: Nobody on this planet loved Tom Brady more than Randy Moss during his time as a Patriot. He referred to his quarterback as “Tommy” and talked about how much he missed Tommy when the quarterback missed a season due to injury. They also connected for 23 touchdowns in 2007, as both Moss and Brady set NFL records that year. So why not bring him back, even if it’s just for one day? Have Randy pop out of a cake on the practice field, and let the two work on the deep ball up the sideline all day long, for old time’s sake.
8. Swimmies: You looked awfully nervous going down that water slide, Tom. That’s OK — you get paid to play quarterback, not to swim. Still, let us help you out with some Swimmies. These things will keep you afloat, so you don’t have to be so fearful as you approach the bottom of that slide.
7. Babysitter for Gronk: Brady needs a babysitter, but not for his young child — he needs one for his young tight end. The 22-year-old is a little wild, and he popped up in ridiculous photos on the Internet throughout the lockout. Gronkowski can likely get back into business mode now, but considering he led the team with 10 receiving touchdowns last year, you can’t be too safe. Get Brady a babysitter for No. 87, and you’ll be doing the whole team a favor. (Photo/TheDirty)
6. Earmuffs: Sure, the Chad Ochocinco thing is all fun and games now, but his voice can get you tired after a while. For the sake of Brady’s focus in the huddles as Chad tries telling him with his high-pitch voice that he was open, Brady might need some earmuffs. Plus, when it gets cold out, it’s a better look than that head sock thing he was wearing last year. (AP Photo/Charles Krupa)
5. Tissues, to Wipe Away His Tears: We learned how vulnerable TB12 can be when he cried on ESPN this offseason. Make sure he has a package of tissues available at all times in case the waterworks come out when he’s not ready for it.
3. Helicopter for One: Look, car accidents are no joke, and the one that Tom Brady was involved in last summer was a scary sight for all involved. If Brady wants to live in the city of Boston, then so be it, but let’s make sure he won’t run the risk of getting drilled by a a minivan on Comm. Ave. The best way to do that is to get this helicopter built for one. Sure, the trip to Foxboro might take longer in this thing, and it probably can’t hold enough fuel for a round trip, and it’s probably 10 times more dangerous than driving a car, and it lacks all tact and decency, but, well, it’s a helicopter built for one! That’s too awesome to pass up. (Photo/Thefutureofthings.com)
2. A Twitter Account: Look, Tom, we know you’re 34, and that’s not super old in this society, but your lack of a Twitter account is making you look ancient. Your newest wide receiver, Chad Ochocinco, has 2.46 million followers and is the king of Twitter, while many of your other teammates use it to communicate. Just this week, Deion Branch and Ochocinco made plans to eat at Chuck E. Cheese’s, and Ochocinco gave biblical names to Branch, Wes Welker and Julian Edelman. If you’re not on Twitter, you can’t know this stuff, and you’ll be left out of all the inside jokes. You don’t want that. (Screenshot/YouTube).
1. Private Plane to Indianapolis, Booked for Early February: Despite all his wealth and success, the only thing Tom Brady wants is to keep winning. Everyone knows that. So why not book him a private flight to Indianapolis, the site of this season’s Super Bowl, so he can keep the receipt in his locker all year? That (and likely that alone) is what Brady really wants. (AP Photo/Charles Krupa)
