In all seriousness, here's hoping Colts quarterback Peyton Manning makes a speedy and full recovery from his nagging neck injury, and that he makes all his starts this season, with the exception of the Dec. 4 game at Gillette Stadium.
But the news that Manning's recovery has slowed after offseason surgery on a bulging disc (which prompted the Colts to issue a statement on Monday declaring Manning doubtful for the season opener) was fitting, because he's always been a pain in the neck for the Patriots.
That got us thinking about other, entirely made-up, physical maladies that would be appropriate or ironic if they befell certain sports stars.
Nobody is wishing ill on anybody, but wouldn't it be funny if…
Alex Rodriguez is placed on the 15-day disabled list to rest after a minor injury to his spine. This marks the first evidence that A-Rod possesses any backbone at all.
Al Davis bangs his elbow, forcing him to ice his bruised funny bone. What a shame, a black-and-blue humerus for the humorless Raiders owner.
Bill Belichick temporarily loses his voice during a bout with laryngitis. Oh, darn. Now Patriots fans are robbed of their weekly dose of boring, one-sentence answers in the postgame news conference.
Dustin Pedroia strains a gluteal muscle. The intense Red Sox second baseman busts his rear end every day on the field. For once, he does so literally.
Deion Sanders takes a break from the NFL Network set to take a puff from an inhaler. Anyone who uses up that much hot air needs a medicinal boost now and then.
Terrell Owens has a blocked tear duct. According to the Mayo Clinic, a blocked tear duct prevents tears from draining normally, leading to watery, irritated eyes. Studies suggest it also leads to patients muttering, "That's my quarterback," but results are inconclusive.
All we have to say is, Manning had better be putting his time away from the field to good use by taping as many funny TV commercials as possible.
"When I was in [minor league] camp, I went over [to big league camp] to play in a game, and I think it was Felix Rodriguez called me Jeremy. And that was it. … I didn't want to say nothing. I was a young guy. I was scared."
– Los Angeles Angels pitcher Jerome Williams on the San Francisco Giants calling him "Jeremy" for two years (via The Orange County Register)
Well, it's going to be one or the other. Most Red Sox fans would rather face the Mariners in the playoffs, but unfortunately Bud Selig says that's not allowed. What a jerk.
Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and Steve Nash all together in one place, and the universe didn't collapse on itself. Thank goodness Miley Cyrus didn't show up or we'd all be done for.