Some intrepid NBA fan has put together a blog titled “Lawrence Frank‘s Daily Reports,” and they are exquisite.
The fake reports, by an author going by the ousted Nets assistant’s name, perfectly sum up a season that has devolved into self-parody. In case you missed the latest coaching-related debacle in Brooklyn, Frank was “reassigned” by head coach Jason Kidd, who cited philosophical differences between himself and Frank, one of the NBA’s most respected defensive assistants. Frank has been banned from the bench and practices, and is now relegated to putting together written reports.
Presumably, those reports consist of scouting and statistical breakdowns of upcoming opponents, but we’d love it if they were more like the reports posted over at LFDR.
A sampling appears below.
“You got two days off before Boston on Tuesday. Don’t take it for granted. Can I suggest GAME FILM? Seriously, just give it a try. It’s really not that much different than watching TV.”
“You should probably think about shaving before tomorrow’s game. I know you’re in Brooklyn and beards are cool with hipsters, but it really makes you look even drunker than you actually are.”
“[The Knicks] can’t defend, can’t score, don’t like each other, aren’t coached well. They’re basically the Nets except the owner isn’t a dangerous but lovable billionaire. He’s just a jerky alcoholic billionaire. Also their arena doesn’t smell like a 13-year-old girl at her first middle school dance. It just smells like diesel fuel, urine, and stale popcorn.”
“If anyone asks, I’ll take the blame for [Iman] Shumpert. Yesterday in my notes I said to take it easy on him IF you were up by a lot late in the game, but that might have been too complex of a note for a rookie coach like yourself. From now on, just defend every professional basketball player as well as you can at all times.”
“Do you really want these every day? There was no game yesterday, no game today, on a day like this, should I just give you my recipe for ziti or something?”
There’s also an ongoing gag about Frank leaving his brown suede shoes somewhere and asking Kidd to help him find them — you know, because Frank’s banned from being around the team. It’s all pretty great and worth a look.