The Indianapolis Colts are a joke. The good news for them, though, is that so is the AFC South.
The AFC South is the worst division in the NFL, and — you know what? It might be the worst in all of sports. It’s a borderline sports felony that one of these teams — and their combined 8-19 record — gets to make the playoffs this season.
That’s why, despite the general inability to meet expectations through seven weeks of the NFL season, the Colts’ playoff hopes are still very much alive. They’re still the best team in the South, which is basically the equivalent of being the smartest Kardashian.
The most disheartening thing about the Colts isn’t necessarily their record, although that sucks, too, especially after Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the New Orleans Saints. The worst part might be what the Colts continue to say despite the crappy football they continue to play. Chuck Pagano praised his team for the way they came back and made of a game of it — after falling down 27-0 in the third quarter. Good job, guys.
Quarterback Andrew Luck said in his postgame news conference that he still thinks this is a good team. When the Colts next kick off — on Monday night against undefeated Carolina — it will be November. Time’s running out for the Colts to prove Luck right, but when it comes to the playoffs, it won’t matter. The Colts will be there. They can thank the other suckbag teams in their suckbag division for that.
1. New England Patriots (Last week: 1): Tom Brady and the Patriots are so darn good at making adjustments. The Jets’ defense gave contained them for three quarters, but behind Brady’s 14-for-17, 151-yard, two-touchdown performance in the fourth, the Patriots pulled away.
2. Green Bay Packers (Last week: 2): The Packers could soon make a claim for the top spot. They’re coming off a bye, and if they beat Denver and Carolina (both on the road) over the next two weeks, they’ll have a legitimate claim to the top spot.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: 3): It’s probably a little too early to talk about winning divisions, but a win Sunday against Pittsburgh would give the Bengals a four-game cushion in the AFC North.
4. Carolina Panthers (Last week: 4): The Panthers keep on winning, and they keep on scoring points. Despite having no real receiving threats, the Panthers rank sixth in the league in points per game with 27.
5. Denver Broncos (Last week: 5): Here’s something wild: The Peyton Manning-led Broncos are dead last in offensive yards per play. Then again, they’re also allowing the fewest yards per play on defense.
6. Arizona Cardinals (Last week: 7): In hindsight, ranking the Jets over the Cardinals last week might have been a bit of an error.
7. Atlanta Falcons (Last week: 8): The Falcons struggled with the Titans, and it’s clear their offense isn’t the same on the road, but that defense certainly does travel.
8. Minnesota Vikings (Last week: 10): Despite a slow start, the Vikings roared back and won a divisional road game for the first time in three years. Teddy Bridgewater had his best game of the season, thanks to the emergence of Stefon Diggs, who also won me some DFS money. Thanks, Stefon.
9. New York Jets (Last week: 6): If the Jets can keep that defense healthy for the entire season, they’re a legitimate playoff contender, despite a loss Sunday in New England. I’d feel really good about them if they had a quarterback, too.
10. New York Giants (Last week: 14): The Giants don’t do any one thing great — other than protecting the football. New York’s plus-10 turnover margin is the NFL’s best.
11. St. Louis Rams (Last week: 15): Just go ahead and give the offensive rookie of the year award to Todd Gurley.
12. Seattle Seahawks (Last week: 17): The Seahawks just need to keep it simple. They need to run the ball and let the defense run wild. Oh, and playing the 49ers every week would help.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: 9): Sunday was definitely a setback for Pittsburgh. That being said, Ben Roethlisberger’s return seems imminent, and Pittsburgh plays its next three games at home.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: 11): Of the 17 teams with a record below .500, only Seattle has a better point differential than Philadelphia (plus-26).
15. Oakland Raiders (Last week: 19): This should appease whiny Raiders fans, but I’m finally ready to buy in on the Raiders, especially if Derek Carr’s gonna put a 137.7 passer rating every week.
16. New Orleans Saints (Last week: 23):Â Somehow, the Saints are still very much alive in the NFC wild card hunt, especially if Mark Ingram is going to average 10 yards per carry like he did Sunday.
17. Buffalo Bills (Last week: 13): The Bills have injuries up and down the roster, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for losing to the Jaguars. Buffalo’s got a much-needed bye, but it’s got plenty of work to do between now and Week 9.
18. Miami Dolphins (Last week: 21): In hindsight, firing Joe Philbin after a London game, before a bye week and ahead of back-to-back games against Tennessee and Houston was the smartest thing the Dolphins have done in a long time. They look like geniuses now.
19.Dallas Cowboys (Last week: 16): You’d think a guy like Greg Hardy — coming off a suspension and playing for a new team who took a chance on him — would be on his best behavior. Nope.
20. Indianapolis Colts (Last week: 12): Chuck Pagano said he was proud of the way the Colts fought back. Andrew Luck said they’re a good team. This team is a joke.
21. Washington Redskins (Last week: 22): The Redskins came from behind to beat Tampa Bay and are up one spot this week. You like that, Kirk Cousins?
22. San Diego Chargers (Last week: 18): Three straight losses for the Chargers, and you have to wonder if Mike McCoy’s seat is getting toasty. It should be.
23. Cleveland Browns (Last week: 20): Hey, Josh McCown, look out for that wall, man.
24. Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 29): Charcandrick West ran for more than 100 yards and a touchdown in the Chiefs’ win over Pittsburgh. He also has the best first name in football.
25. Baltimore Ravens (Last week: 25): The Ravens are 1-6, which isn’t good, but those six losses have been by an average of just five points.
26. Chicago Bears (Last week: 27): The Bears moved up one spot on a bye, which probably doesn’t make sense, but whatever.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: 26):Â Jameis Winston played well, Doug Martin was awesome again, and the Bucs still found a way to lose a late lead against Washington. It’s a Bucs life.
28. San Francisco 49ers (Last week: 24): Colin Kaepernick might be the worst quarterback in the NFL right now. Just ask the side of this guy’s head.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: 32): Clearly inspired by a sleep specialist who said the Jags would lose “pretty badly” given their plans to wait until the end of the week, Jacksonville beat the Bills.
30. Detroit Lions (Last week: 30): The Lions might have had a chance Sunday against the Vikings, but they couldn’t protect Matthew Stafford, who was sacked seven times.
31. Tennessee Titans (Last week: 31): The Titans went an entire football game without a play of 20 yards or more. Seems hard to do.
32. Houston Texans (Last week: 28): The two most embarrassing things to happen in Week 7 both involved the Texans. One was Ryan Mallett missing the team plane and the other was Houston going into halftime in Miami down 41-0.
Thumbnail photo via Brian Spurlock/USA TODAY Sports Images
