If you’re a big fan of football and Christmas, there’s no better time of the year than right now.
But if your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are dominated by watching holiday movies, you might have some tough decisions to make this season, as Week 16 of the NFL season primarily falls on those two days.
We got thinking about Christmas movies and the NFL and came up with a famous Christmas movie quote that best represents each of the NFL’s 32 teams. (We’re using the terms “famous” and “best represents” very loosely.)
Here’s what we came up with.
Arizona Cardinals — “You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.” (Jingle All The Way)
Bunch of guys who wear red and “conned” us into thinking they’d be good this season. Get it? Sleazy’s probably a bit much, though.
Atlanta Falcons — “Hey, I’m not afraid anymore! I said I’m not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!” (Home Alone)
The Falcons looked destined to win at least 10 games for the fifth time since 2008, and that doesn’t include last season when they started 5-0 before faltering. At some point, they need to actually step up and show they’re not afraid anymore.
Baltimore Ravens — “Smash his face with an iron!” (Home Alone)
There’s nothing especially glamorous about the Ravens, but they’re tough. They specialize in smash-mouth football.
Buffalo Bills — “Riggs, if you think I’m gonna eat the world’s lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you’re crazy.” (Lethal Weapon)
If you think either of these two are turning down a turkey …
Kirby Lee/USA TODAY Sports Images
Carolina Panthers — “I just like to smile, smiling’s my favorite.” (Elf)
The Panthers are 6-8 and aren’t going to the playoffs, but that’s not stopping Cam Newton from flashing his pearly whites.
Bob Donnan/USA TODAY Sports Images
Chicago Bears — “I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock’n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, ‘It’s Turbo time!’ Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.” (Jingle All The Way)
The Bears, despite their 3-11 record, are actually building a nice foundation. They’re among the NFL’s best teams in yards per play difference. They just need their own “Turbo Man” — preferably a quarterback? — to really get on the right track.
Cincinnati Bengals — “It’s a nice night for a neck injury.” (Home Alone 2)
Don’t you get the feeling noted cheap-shot artist Vontaze Burfict looks in the mirror and mutters this to himself before every game?
Cleveland Browns — “You need therapy. Many, many years of therapy.” (Bad Santa)
Seriously, if you’re still rooting for the Browns after all these years — and this one might be the worst — you have some issues.
Dallas Cowboys — “One man’s toxic waste is another man’s potpourri.” (How The Grinch Stole Christmas)
David Irving, claimed off Atlanta’s practice squad this season and had two sacks in primetime in Week 15, called the Cowboys’ underrated D-line a group of “orphans” … who no one wanted. Get it? Also, consider the fact Jerry Jones wanted to trade up and take Paxton Lynch only to have Dak Prescott fall into his lap at pick No. 135.
Denver Broncos — “Harry, I’ve reached the top!” (Home Alone 2)
They’re the defending Super Bowl champions. They will not get the same quote next year.
Detroit Lions — “Let’s do it. Let’s go get the sh*t kicked out of us by love.” (Love Actually)
Lions fans are so passionate, but they certainly haven’t been rewarded. This season looked like the most promising campaign in some time, but Detroit’s playoff hopes are in big-time jeopardy, especially finishing the season with Dallas and Green Bay.
Green Bay Packers — “Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?” (Christmas Vacation)
It has been a roller-coaster season for Green Bay, one that’s left fans reaching for Tylenol, antacid or whiskey — or all three — after games. Last week’s near-disaster-turned-miracle in Chicago was the perfect embodiment of the season.
Houston Texans — “Keep the change, you filthy animal.” (Home Alone)
The Texans will need all the change they can get after giving Brock Osweiler a boatload of money … before finally benching him in Week 15. Oh, and they owe him $16 million next season, which might complicate the salary cap issue just a tad.
Indianapolis Colts — “You can be too old for a lot of things, but you’re never too old to be afraid.” (Home Alone)
As long as Jim Irsay, Ryan Grigson and Chuck Pagano are calling the shots in Indy, Colts fans probably ought to be afraid.
Jacksonville Jaguars — “I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins!” (Elf)
The Jaguars suck (again), and they’ve no one to blame but themselves, as they lead the league in penalty yards and are third in turnovers.
Kansas City Chiefs — “You are not exactly Superman, but you are awfully available.” (White Christmas)
The Chiefs don’t do anything great, but they don’t do anything poor, either. Good not great. Available.
Los Angeles Rams — “Look around us, Ellen, we’re at the threshold of hell.” (Christmas Vacation)
Pretty much says it all, no?
Miami Dolphins — “Look, we’re still in business, we’ve got two bucks left!” (It’s A Wonderful Life)
Despite the fact they lost four of their first five games, the Dolphins still control their own playoff destiny. It won’t be easy, though, as they have games left with Buffalo and New England. But they’re still in business.
Minnesota Vikings — “Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?” (It’s A Wonderful Life)
This team stayed in contention just about all season long. Imagine if they had Adrian Peterson (for the whole season) and Teddy Bridgewater (for any part of the season)?
New England Patriots — “This is my house! I have to defend it!” (Home Alone)”
The AFC playoffs probably will run through Foxboro once more this season, which the Patriots obviously prefer, but their two losses this season did come at Gillette Stadium.
New Orleans Saints — “No man is a failure who has friends.” (It’s A Wonderful Life)
The Saints aren’t having a very good season, but people seem to like Drew Brees and Sean Payton, so there’s that at least.
New York Giants — “Just because I cannot see it, doesn’t mean I can’t believe it!” (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Sure, the Giants’ record looks good, but you look at that team — especially the offense — and wonder whether it has a long postseason run upcoming. Then again, we’ve seen it before with the Giants, so it’s probably wise not to doubt them.
New York Jets — “It’s Christmas Eve. It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” (Scrooged)
The Jets have the unenviable task of playing the Patriots on Christmas Eve, and they’re astoundingly large 16.5-point underdogs. But at least it’s Christmas Eve?
Oakland Raiders — “I’m going to die! I’m going to throw up, and then I’m going to die! Mommy, make it stop! Eh, heh, heh, heh, ha, he … whew, almost lost my cool there.” (The Grinch)
Oakland still has an outside chance at securing the AFC’s No. 1 seed, but they have a point differential of just plus-41 on the season — that’s worse than the Buffalo Bills’. Eight of their 11 touchdowns have been by a touchdown or less, five of those by three points or fewer.
Philadelphia Eagles — “Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to.” (Miracle On 34th Street)
The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, and they’ve only been to two. Faith is all they really have — especially after they traded a future first- and second-round pick in the trade to move up and take Carson Wentz.
Pittsburgh Steelers — “Why not? He loves the snow. He’s told me 15 times.” (Elf)
As the weather gets cold, the Steelers heat up. They’ve won five in a row, and are now 13-2 in December/January regular-season games since 2013.
San Diego Chargers — “Ah! Fra-GEE-leh! It must be Italian! (A Christmas Story)
No team has been more “fragile” this season than the Chargers.
San Francisco 49ers — “How horrible our Christmas will be!” (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
The Niners have lost 13 straight games, and nine of those have been by at least 10 points … and they’re Christmas Eve underdogs against the Rams.
Seattle Seahawks — “I told you, these are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me.” (The Muppets Christmas Carol)
The Seahawks might be nearly two years removed from that horrific Super Bowl play call, but Richard Sherman essentially served as the “Ghost of Super Bowl past” by calling out the Seattle coaching staff for its continued head-scratching play-calling near the goal line.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — “Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.” (The Polar Express)
Does anyone really see the Bucs as a playoff team? Well, they can pretty much control their own destiny.
Tennessee Titans — “I believe … I believe. It’s silly, but I believe.” (Miracle On 34th Street)
Pretty much the same as Tampa Bay above, but this one makes even more sense given the, you know, “Music City Miracle” connection.
Washington Redskins — “It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it’s a Major Award. I won it!” (A Christmas Story)
Daniel Snyder does seem like the kind of guy who would call a lamp a major award, doesn’t he?
Home Alone thumbnail via YouTube screen shot
Tom Brady thumbnail via Greg M. Cooper/USA TODAY Sports Images