And as Oscar Wilde once said (or was it Olivia Wilde?), fantasy sports imitate life. Particularly in the NESN Fantasy Football League.
Heidi Watney's "Favre Forever" squad pounded John Chandler's "More Cowbell" crew 161.75-118.7, earning a league-high points total in the process. Heidi was helped significantly by huge days out of running back Adrian Peterson (180 yards rushing and three touchdowns for 37.8 points) and quarterback Tony Romo (353 yards in the air and three scores for 35.85 points). Willis McGahee, Jeremy Shockey and Randy Moss also came up big for "Favre."
"I would just like to say that my team dominated," Watney said, "and that everyone else might as well quit now. I mean, when a team scores more than 160 points in the first week, it's not looking good for the rest of you."
She paused, smiled and added confidently, "Favre Forever can't be stopped!!!"
Chandler, despondent following his Week 1 setback, had Reggie Wayne, Santonio Holmes and Frank Gore to thank for keeping it close. But he was ultimately doomed by mediocre performances from LaDainian Tomlinson and the Baltimore Ravens defense.
"At this time, I have no comment," Chandler said when he was finally reached for (non-)comment. "What do you want me to say? We lost. Obviously, we're disappointed."
Despite Terrell Owens' lackluster 4.6 points on Monday night, Cole Wright's "I MEAN BUSINESS" squeaked out a 102.75-100.3 victory over Kathryn Tappen's "Tappenators" in the week's tightest contest.
"I sat in the press box at the Patriots game," Tappen recalled, "receiving e-mails from Cole as he bragged about T.O. And I hoped that Owens wouldn't get a catch. But the Patriots could only do so much against No. 81, and Cole's congratulatory note to himself eventually came through on my Blackberry."
But rather than praise his selection of the Philadelphia Eagles defense (35 points) in Week 1 or attempting to explain his forgetting to even start a kicker, Cole had strong words for Heidi, his divisional rival.
"YOU SHOULDN'T BASE YOUR SEASON ON ONE WEEK," he all-capped on the league message board. "REMEMBER THIS SEASON IS A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT … AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT ?I MEAN BUSINESS' IS ALL ABOUT GOING THE DISTANCE!"
The Tappenators owner, on the other hand, kept her wits about her and was ready to move on, promising better preparation for her next opponent.
"We have a lot of things to work on this week, but we'll be ready in Week 2."
The week's top comeback, however, was produced by John Carchedi's "Italian Ninjas," who overturned a 34-plus-point deficit on Monday night to earn a 125.8-118.5 triumph against Terrence Johnson's "Crooked Lettas."
"I had [Tom] Brady and [Darren] McFadden on Monday night," said Carchedi. "Going from watching the Patriots' offense to the Raiders offense is like driving a race car into a brick wall … and then chiseling that wall apart so you can hit yourself in the head with each individual brick. No wonder Raiders' fans all look like maniacs. They hit themselves in the head with bricks every Sunday."
But seriously, folks ? Carchedi broke down the Week 1 tilt: "I had felt good about my matchup with Terrence. He seems very popular and important. Fool! The true secret to fantasy football success is to have very little responsibilities and/or friends."
Based on that rationale, he continued, "I have this league in the bag."
Not so fast, my friend.
My provincially named squad, "Gray Cutoff Hoodies," narrowly held off "Team Naoko" 149.1-89.75 in Week 1, making use of a 51.9-point performance from Saints quarterback Drew Brees.
"I would have been happy with Brees' four first-half touchdowns," I told NESN.com, "but the two in the second half were the icing on the cake.
"And to post a 60-point win with my No. 1 pick Matt Forte putting up just 5.5 points? He'll be back stronger next time around and we'll be raring to go against the Italian Ninjas.
"Oh," I continued, "I cut the sleeves off because it looks awesome. Get your head in the game!"
Team Naoko owner Naoko Funayama was noticeably frustrated with her opening week output.
"I'm most disappointed in [Michael] Turner's numbers [65 rushing yards for 6.5 points] and I can't believe [Donovan] McNabb is injured already. And how does [Baltimore's] Le'Ron McLain become my highest scoring RB for the week? I didn't even play him!"
As another wise soul once said, life isn't always fair. Thus is the way of the world ? and fantasy football.
Check back on Friday for a preview of all of the Week 2 action.
