Since an outing in Norton is a little different than the spectating we’re used to, the good folks from the DBC posted some helpful info and tips for first time attendees.
Caring deeply for our fellow fans, we took it a step further, with what we’re calling John’s Unofficial Fan Guide to the Deutsche Bank Championship. Feel free to take notes.
1. It’s pronounced “DOY-cha.”
If you’re not careful, you could offend Germany, and history hasn’t shown it to be the most easygoing of nations.
2. Easy on the beer. Heavy on the water.
Chances are you’re going to be in the sun for a while. Throwing up on your neighbor is frowned upon.
3. Get to know your course map.
It can get a little confusing out there. Search parties are expensive.
4. Don’t wait for Monday.
The final round is awesome, but it’s also mighty crowded. By being there a few days earlier, you can get amazingly close to the players, get some autographs and pee in the woods without being scolded.
4a. If you are in a crowd, skip the cigar.
It happens every year. We’re all packed in like lemmings, and Thurston Howell over there lights up a stogie. I’ve found the best defense is to hug him tight, smile creepily and say, “You smell like my Grandpa.” He’ll leave your space shortly.
5. Vijay never smiles.
Don’t take it personally.
6. Don’t be one of those jerks who screams, “Get in the hole,” especially when the ball would have to travel record distances and defy physics to do so.
This puts you in the same category as the cell-phone jockeys waving behind home plate. You are offering zero originality to mankind, and we all want to slap you across the face.
7. Pick a hole and hunker down.
Following Tiger takes a lot of hustle. At times, it feels like you have to run a hole or two ahead just to get a glimpse through the gallery. I say move several holes ahead, get a good seat and let the humanity come to you.
8. Be nice to the volunteers.
If you’re lucky, one may even give you their “Quiet Please” sign, which you can then use on your boss, your spouse or the next police officer asking for your license and registration. Hilarity will ensue.
9. Don’t yell “Noonan” when Tiger’s about to putt.
Just trust me on that one. Bad things, man. Bad things.
10. Enjoy!
It’s great to be out in a beautiful setting, watching people who are the best in the world at what they do. And who knows, you may meet somebody hot who likes golf. That would be a bonus, right?
