No, I haven't played competitive hoops in years (some would say ever) and have absolutely no need for what would turn into a pair of $130 paperweights. But after seeing Kobe's puppet ad for his new Nikes for the umpteenth time, I couldn't get it out of my head.
If you haven't seen the Kobe puppet sing/rap with Foot Locker salesmen puppets on either side, take a look on YouTube. For those who have seen it and need a lyrical refresher, it goes like this:
"My name is Kobe.
This is my shoe (shoe).
I got me some.
Get you some too (too).
I got four rings.
And that's fo' sho' (sho')!
Rockin' these shoes,
I'll get four mo' (mo')!
So low and quick,
And that's no lie (lie).
This shoe's so hot,
That it's on fire (fire)!"
It may be annoying, but it's catchy, and I suppose that's the point of advertising: to make you remember.
So without further ado, here are some verses introducing some of your favorite Boston Celtics players. Consider it the current Celtics' version of the "Super Bowl Shuffle." And rather than poetry or iambic pentameter, read each of the following in the same rhythm the Kobe puppet raps his lines.
Kevin Garnett
My name's KG
Or the Big Ticket (Ticket).
If I had hair,
I'd let you pick it (pick it).
I'm an All-Star,
Though I've been hurt (hurt).
Missed 11 games,
But I show my worth (worth).
My knees are sore,
And that's no bull (bull).
But when I play,
Anything's possible!
Paul Pierce
I am the captain
Of this here team (team).
The '08 playoffs,
Were like a dream (dream).
I shot and dribbled
And played good D (D).
And in the Finals,
I was the MVP (P).
I still have got it.
I need no proof (proof).
My on-court skills
Say I'm "The Truth" (Truth).
Rajon Rondo
Rajon's my name
And I play point (point).
As the best new guard,
Me, they'll soon anoint ('noint).
I've got great handle.
They say I'm deft (deft).
Drive to the hoop
With right or left (left).
I'm breaking out.
Don't show no malice (malice).
I'll take my All-Star
Trip to Dallas (Dallas).
Ray Allen
They call me Ray Ray.
But that's just lame (lame).
I was Jesus Shuttlesworth
In He Got Game (Game).
My free-throw prowess
Is automatic ('matic).
But at 34, they say
My game's got static (static).
I'm a great guy,
'Least that's what they tell us (tell us).
But I could be heading to
Golden State for Monta Ellis (Ellis).
Rasheed Wallace
I'm new to town
So, hi, I go by Sheed (Sheed).
Referees' wishes
I rarely heed (heed).
In my 'fro
Is a spot of gray (gray).
I'm 6-11.
But I like to shoot the trey (trey).
I won a title
Back in the Motor City (City).
If I don't get another
It'll be a pity (pity).
Glen Davis
In the air
For rebounds I'll fly (fly).
But on the bench,
KG makes me cry (cry).
I broke my arm
In a fight with my buddy (buddy).
But with Coach Rivers
My future's muddy (muddy).
I was Big Baby,
But that's no more (more).
Cuz for loose balls,
I'll dive on the floor (floor).
Boston is cold,
Frigid like Juneau (Juneau).
Like the temp, my
New name's "Uno Uno" (Uno).
Brian Scalabrine
My name is Brian
But they call me Scal (Scal).
I don't play much
But I'm everyone's pal (pal).
I spend my time
Out on the court (court)
Shooting long 3s and
Looking like Michael Rappaport ('Port)!
Shelden Williams
I'm a backup
Here for the C's (C's).
My playing time
Depends on KG's knees (knees).
I love to ball.
Hoops is my life (life).
But let's be honest, I might
Lose to my wife (wife).
***
Now please submit
Rhymes on your favorite player.
As good as mine?
You don't have a prayer!
(Screen grab courtesy of Nike and Foot Locker.)
