Before we get started, I have a quick confession to make: I’m a horrible basketball player. However, I think I can be of great assistance for your upcoming H-O-R-S-E game, so hear me out.
You’re probably wondering, “How bad is this kid?”
Pretty horrendous.
My friends, when desperately needing an even number to play, dubbed me “The Worm” on the mean street courts at Bliss Park. Not because of any rebounding skills, but because of my shoulder-led picks, flailing elbows and downright dirty defense. I was nasty out there and proud of it.
While I was an embarrassment to Mr. Naismith’s creation, I do find myself among the Commonwealth’s best H-O-R-S-E competitors. Go ahead and ask my younger brother, a righty, how miserable it felt getting dominated from “H” to “H-O-R-S-E” on left-handed-only layups, bank shots and finger rolls. Again, the nastiness comes out.
But you know how it is, Rajon: Winners find ways to win. And I know how you can dominate defending champ Kevin Durant and rookie Omri Casspi in Saturday night’s H-O-R-S-E game.
Your edge is simple: Bust out those roller skates.
Not only will the height of the wheels and bearings close the size gap against your 6-foot-9 competitors, but just think: How many other people — let alone NBA All-Stars — can even roller-skate? As a former hockey player, I don’t even think I can Rollerblade.
So strap ’em on, Rondo, and take a ride to my virtual playbook. With these moves, this one will be over in no time.
H: “Broken Ankle” to one-handed bank shot.
O: “Inverted Camel” from the free-throw line — er, let’s make that from the semicircle. Don’t want to take any chances.
R: To make it fair, let’s untie the skates for one letter and hire Jason Maxiell to come out and pulverize contestants in midair during a dunk attempt. You’ve made that one before, so we know you can make it again.
S: Lace ’em back up and bust out the “Toe-Spin” to a fallaway jumper. Celebrate with some “crazy legs” because this one’s in the bag.
E: Pull a “Five Jump Combo two-handed dunk to end the humiliation and send Durant and Casspi packing.
With these moves, consider yourself the 2010 H-O-R-S-E champion.
Yours,
John Beattie, NESN.com
