Tiger Woods Should Have Worn His
Sunday Victory Red Polo
If you missed Tiger Woods' so-called press conference on Friday, you
must not have been watching ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN News, ESPN Classic,
Versus, The Golf Channel, ABC, CBS, FOX, FOX News, Fox Sports, CNN, NBC,
MSNBC or CNBC. In fact, I think even The Food Network preempted a
rerun of Iron Chef — though Alton Brown followed the coverage with tips
on which wines go best with eating crow.
I understand that this was the first public statement in months from the
embattled golfer, but does that really justify the omnipresent
coverage?
And what did the media expect outside of a "heartfelt" apology? It
wasn't like Tiger was going to walk in surveying the room for floozies
and grab the mic from the podium declaring that after a month of intense
rehab, he'd concluded that he in fact enjoyed sleeping with multiple
women at multiple times in multiple places. It's not like he was going
to follow that up by warning America that "the Tiger's back on the
prowl," spiking the mic and walking out of the room with his hands
raised over his head.
But, boy, that would have been a hole in one!
You Can't Teach Cheating
Hitting 70 home runs in a single season typically would qualify a person to be an expert in the art of hitting. Yet for Mark McGwire, who admittedly used performance-enhancing drugs to accomplish the feat, becoming a hitting coach is a lot like Tiger Woods becoming a marriage counselor. I'd love to see how Big Mac would field this question from a 20-year-old rookie: "Coach, what did you do to help break out of a slump?"
A Tremendously Tremendous Hockey Call
With just under three minutes left in Sunday's USA-Canada tilt in Vancouver, NBC color commentator Eddie Olczyk joyfully declared that it had been a "tremendously tremendous" hockey game. Although Olczyk's call was a far cry from "Do you believe in miracles?" — not to mention a grammatical train wreck — it was perfect for the moment.
It was, however, disappointing that the programmers at the peacock network felt pairs ice dancing trumped hockey and banished the border battle to their lefty cousin, MSNBC. I took this move personally because my more-than-a-little-overpriced cable provider has yet to add MSNBC in high definition. From my reaction to watching a sporting event in standard definition, you'd think I was being forced to set up a pair of rabbit ears and plug in the 10-inch, black and white TV.
If You Want to Watch a Sporting Event in 3D, Buy a Ticket
The broadcast industry is abuzz with the next great technological revolution: 3D sports broadcasts. I know when I'm watching a Red Sox game, I often think to myself, "If there was only a way to make it look like Terry Francona was actually spitting sunflower seeds right onto the floor of my living room."
Yet beyond the obvious fact that 3D is completely gratuitous, the social implications of advancement are intriguing. Sports bars will quickly become the most ridiculous looking places in the world. Imagine 60 tipsy patrons all wearing giant 3D glasses frantically diving out of the way of a foul ball.
It is also scientifically impossible to pick up women in 3D glasses. I believe MIT commissioned a study using George Clooney as the test subject at a screening of Avatar.
Pap Will Try On Pinstripes
It is a summer tradition that any Red Sox fan-favorite player in the final year of his contract has to at one point make a casual comment about how he wouldn't mind playing for the Yankees. Stealing a page from the Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon playbooks, I would expect no less from Boston closer Jonathan Papelbon.
Your Girlfriend Will Wear a Bill Hall T-Shirt
In the tradition of Lou Merloni, Alex Cora and Gabe Kapler, the Red Sox have a new pink-hat friendly utility player. Bill Hall, who joins the Red Sox from Seattle, is well-spoken and upbeat, not to mention OK with the bat and above average with the glove. The man Tito refers to as the "super utility player" can play all seven positions — he could probably even catch or pitch in a pinch — and is good for a walk-off home run in April to secure the love of the women of Red Sox Nation.
Don't Mess with Baset Chaudhry
In a month where obscure sports like luge and curling have taken center stage, it was the perfect time for college squash to steal the spotlight. Playing for his school's 12th consecutive national squash team title, Trinity (Conn.) senior Baset Chaudhry was responsible for what is safe to say is the most infamous moment in the history of squash.
After scoring to clinch the title, the 6-foot-5 Chaudhry screamed into the face of his much smaller opponent and pushed him back onto the court. The incident is the best YouTube clip to come out of southern New England since Tuukka Rask lost his mind after a shootout for the Providence Bruins.
Bad sportsmanship? Yes. Hysterical? Absolutely.
I just hope this isn't the last we'll see of the bad boy of the quarter court.
