Everyone on Wednesday morning was scrambling to find out what their name was changed to after going through the Wu-Tang Clan name generator.
To that, I say: Who really cares about you?
With all due respect, you're probably not famous. Boston athletes, however, are indeed famous, so let's see what their names would be if they were members of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Let's start with the Celtics.
Paul Pierce becomes Contagious Specialist.
Rajon Rondo becomes Big Wicker Ventriloquist.
Ray Allen becomes Womanly Panther (just don't tell him that).
Kendrick Perkins becomes Undiscovered Bum (again, you might want to keep that one to yourself).
Kevin Garnett, somewhat appropriately, becomes Alarmingly-Named Wolfman.
Rasheed Wallace becomes New Fast Automatic F-REEK.
Across the court, Lamar Odom becomes Touchy-Feely Unpublished Poet, while Kobe Bryant becomes Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin. Whatever that means.
Looking at some Red Sox names, the name generator apparently ran out of steam and just started throwing out repeats. Luckily, this is the Internet, so there were more name generators available.
Dustin Pedroia becomes Tuff Bandit.
Victor Martinez becomes Irate Contender.
Kevin Youkilis becomes Mighty Bandit.
Jacoby Ellsbury becomes Smilin' Assassin.
Jonathan Papelbon becomes Dynamic Contender.
In terms of Bruins:
Tuukka Rask becomes Partially Formed Transformah, but I'm not sure how that translates into Finnish.
Marc Savard becomes Superintendent God-Botherer.
Captain Zdeno Chara becomes Midnight Mastermind.
Miroslav Satan becomes Sheepish Lord of Chaos.
Down in Foxboro:
Randy Moss becomes Inebriated Assistant
Tom Brady becomes The Lonely Donkey Kong (best name ever).
Jerod Mayo becomes International Cow (worst name ever?).
Lastly, looking at the final four athletes in Boston's Biggest Sports Legend:
Larry Bird becomes Crazy Dominator.
Ted Williams becomes Amazing Observer (though Splendid Splinter would absolutely work as a rap name).
Bill Russell becomes Ruff Wanderer.
Bobby Orr becomes Homicidal Terrahawk — which hands-down wins the unofficial contest for Boston's Best Wu-Tang Name.
A good use of time? Probably not. But a use of time nonetheless. Got any more?
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