9-9:01 p.m. ET: Wearing a Knicks jersey, Chris Rock, master of ceremonies, opens with a few jokes to break the ice.
9:02-9:05 p.m.: Rock introduces the guests, one by one, like he’s announcing the starting lineups for the Super Bowl. Jay-Z and Beyonce enter stage left representing the New Jersey Nets. They are followed by Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler and Spike Lee in New York Knicks gear. Then, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez, Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova appear rocking Miami Heat sweatsuits. Eddie Vedder, Jim Belushi, Bill Murray and Mike Ditka arrive with Chicago Bulls hats and shirts. Billy Crystal, Frankie Muniz (Malcolm, from Malcolm in the Middle fame) and Penny Marshall step out with brown paper bags over their heads and remove them to reveal Los Angeles Clippers caps. Drew Carey and Usher enter wearing Cleveland Cavaliers jersey with "King James" on the front and "Please Don’t Go" on the back. The Cavaliers dancers dance onto stage. A group of 25 schoolchildren are then accompanied by a bunch of regular, everyday Joes and Josephinas from New Jersey, New York, Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles and Cleveland.
9:06-9:09 p.m.: Everyone sings "We Are the LeBron." Highlights of the superstar air in the background.
9:10 p.m.: LeBron announces he’s made a decision — which he’ll tell you right after this commercial break
9:13-9:20 p.m.: And we’re back from commercial. The camera zooms in on LeBron. Minutes pass. James looks deep in thought. The camera pans to on-location shots of people in Newark and Brooklyn, Manhattan, South Beach, Rush Street, Melrose Avenue and downtown Cleveland. LeBron takes a nice long drink of Powerade, bends down to retie his Nikes, opens his mouth to speak, only to be told by Rock, "Hold on, LeBron, we have to go to commercial. We’ll get your thoughts when we come back."
9:35 p.m.: After what seems like neverending commercials, the show returns. LeBron speaks.
Well, I’ve thought long and hard about this decision. (Pause for dramatic effect.) And I had to choose between some great teams. There was (name cities, and each time, camera zooms to a face of the team – either player, coach or fan). They all made great recruiting pitches, and each mayor in all of the cities offered me a key to the city, no strings attached. I have to admit I was flattered. I am humbled by all the attention. I met some great people during this process. I wish I could call every city home, but I can only choose one. Before I make my decision, I would like to thank the Boys and Girls Club of Greenwich, Conn., for allowing me to make my decision in this great venue. I think there might be a future All-Star here.
9:36-9:39 p.m.: The camera cuts to the Boys and Girls Club basketball court, where a group of 10 boys and girls, ages 10-17, are playing a pickup game of basketball.
9:40 p.m.: The strain seems unbearable to everyone but LeBron, who pulls out a pair of Kobe and LeBron hand puppets and begins an impromptu puppet show. LeBron has the LeBron puppet ask the Kobe puppet where he should go to win a championship. The Kobe puppet begins a soliloquy in Italian, translates the words into English, then alternates between Italian and English while engaging in a conversation with LeBron and the LeBron puppet on everything from ideas to clean up the oil mess in the Gulf Coast to who will win the World Cup.
9:45 p.m.: The puppet show ends. Rock returns to crack a few jokes and let everyone know the time has come to announce LeBron’s decision … right after this commercial break.
9:46-9:54 p.m.: Cut to commercial.
9:55 p.m.: And so the team is …
9:56 p.m.: Drum roll. LeBron looks pensive. Jeopardy music plays in the background. LeBron paces around the stage and breaks into a little breakdancing routine. A huge hourglass gets turned upside down. LeBron reaches into his pocket, pulls out his cell phone and asks Rock if he can make a quick call. A 24-second clock starts counting down.
9:57 p.m.: The phone dials for the world to hear. A familiar voice picks up. It’s Regis Philbin. He tells LeBron he’s on a three-week backpacking trek in the Himalayas and has spotty reception. The two go back and forth in dialogue.
"What’s new, LeBron?" Regis says.
"I got a big decision to make, Reg," the King replies.
"Go with your gut," Regis counsels.
LeBron asks the producer to turn down the audio, so he can talk to Regis in private. After a few seconds, LeBron gives the thumbs-up to the producer to boost the audio.
"Is that your final answer?" Regis asks.
"Yes," LeBron states with confidence.
9:59 p.m.: David Stern walks on stage with a hat and shakes LeBron’s hand. The King has landed. Rock returns and thanks for everyone coming and watching. All the guests gather behind LeBron, Stern and Rock. It makes the Saturday Night Live sendoff look like an eighth-grade play. A few faces look happy. Everyone else looks sad, but when the synchronized swimmers and penguins riding bicycles appear, nobody can keep from smiling.
Credits roll.
10 p.m.: The dissection of the decision begins.
What’s ridiculous about that? A man in LeBron James’ position cannot afford to look ridiculous.
So get the DVRs ready. This show has instant classic written all over it.
