Roger Clemens’ Punishment Should Include Annual Roast at Hall of Fame Inductions

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Aug 20, 2010

Roger Clemens' Punishment Should Include Annual Roast at Hall of Fame Inductions Roger Clemens "looks forward" (his words, not mine) to heading to federal court to be tried for perjury.

Interesting.

While the Rocket has maintained his innocence for years, those of us with eyeballs and at least semi-functioning brains know that he used performance-enhancing drugs. Whether he'll ever admit that seems doubtful, and such a case could land him in prison.

Yes, a baseball player being sent to prison for cheating and lying. If it seems like an unusual punishment, that's because it is. Here are a few ideas on what could be more appropriate forms of punishment.

A Hall of a Time
We don't know, but we all logically conclude that the reason Clemens has denied ever touching steroids or HGH is because he's overly concerned with his legacy and that he hopes to make the Hall of Fame. He's said many times that he's not worried about the "damn Hall of Fame," but at this point, there's no other logical explanation.

So what better punishment than inviting Roger to Cooperstown every year and sit him front and center. He won't be getting inducted, but he'll have a major role in the event … as the butt of everyone's jokes.

"It's great to be here," a forgiven Mark McGwire will tell the crowd. "There was a time when I thought I wouldn't get voted in, but thanks to Captain B12 and Lidocaine, my dreams have come true."

"Today is a great day," Barry Bonds will say. "And it's nice to not have the biggest ego on stage."

Welcome to Pittsburgh
The Pirates have been bad for a long time. Given their penchant for trading away anyone who succeeds, it looks like they'll continue to be bad for a long time. Congress should force Clemens to be the Pirates' pitching coach for 10 years and see how hard pitching can be without drugs.

Payback
Clemens plunked 159 batters in his career. That's a lot of bruises. Given that many of those were artificially inspired, it's only fair that Clemens be forced to stand in the batter's box and get a taste of what that feels like.

Every day, 95 mph, for three months.

Payback, Part Deux
Once upon a time, Roger Clemens threw a broken bat at Mike Piazza, later claiming that he thought it was a baseball.

Which is a perfectly good explanation if: A.) you throw baseballs at runners or B.) a broken bat felt or looked anything like a baseball.

So let's give Mr. Piazza a chance at some payback. Obviously, letting a man throw a sharp, broken bat at another man is a little violent, but it'll be fine, just so long as Piazza claims he thought it was a Koosh ball.

"Hi Roger, It's Dan."
Nobody enjoyed the Mitchell Report more than former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette. For more than a decade, Duquette looked like a fool for letting Clemens walk away in 1996 and saying the Rocket was in "the twilight of his career."

Obviously, Clemens pitched in 11 more seasons, most of them successfully, thus making such a claim look ridiculous. Now that we know the truth, Duquette has been vindicated.

As punishment for making the former GM look foolish, Clemens' ringtone should be Duquette's voice, saying calmly, "I told you so, Roger. I told you so."

Duquette should also be encouraged to call Clemens as often as he likes, just to bug his former pitcher. It's only fair.

Goodness Gracious!
This would by far be the worst form of punishment for dear old Roger, but you know what? We had to go through it, and so should he.

Lock him in a room for 48 hours and let the following video play at full volume, nonstop, for the entire period. There's no way he'll come out the same.

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