Ten years ago, his White House hooky hiccup would be long forgotten by now, but thanks to Mark Zuckerberg's brainchild (take that, Winklevoss!), haters and habitués alike are able to keep tabs on the Tank and his every thought. Or at least every thought he feels needs to be made public.
And what he says really riles up the masses. The media won't stop hounding the netminder about it. At the B's practice on Thursday — just one day after the team's worst loss of the season, mind you — reporters were badgering Thomas about a statement he made on his personal Facebook page that had nothing to do with hockey, the NHL in general or even sports at all.
He rattled off a sentence and a quote about his political views. Go crazy, America — someone wrote something somewhat controversial and head-turning on a social media platform. The fact that he gets paid to play a game gives some people the idea that it's OK to butcher him for it? To hound him about it at practice? When you posted something on Facebook or Twitter, did a client, co-worker, supervisor or intern bother you all day about it at the office?
So this must be the first time any of us have ever read anything that caused a stir. The reaction is getting ugly and, to be honest, somewhat embarrassing.
Speaking of embarrassing, we're all missing the biggest point: It's Facebook, people! Could you really get upset for something anyone says or does on it? This is an online platform full of the most ridiculous and annoying things human beings could ever produce. Don't you understand? If you're like me and you have more "Unfriends" than "Friends" on Facebook, you can probably agree with me on these Facebook vomit-inducing commonalities.
No one likes a bragger and just about everyone would like to strangle a humble bragger. Something tells me you're not really "mad" because you lost all that weight and you need to go bikini shopping before some elaborate vacation.
You're blowing a kiss at a camera and it's stupid. If you're the type of person that puckers up in every picture, I'm sure none of your Facebook friends want to even begin to think where those lips have been.
Nice triceps, bro. Seriously, good work. We can all see you've been hitting the weights, and we're all very proud. Go into the bathroom every day and snap off more photos cause we look forward to seeing your muscles grow.
We all like Friday, idiot. That's why we're thanking God. Notice there's no such thing as TGIM? The same people who fall under this category usually ask: "Is it happy hour yet?"
Baby Bump Updater
Congrats on your future kin, but no one needs to see your belly expanding — but if they do, do us all a favor and dust off that email box of yours. Also, guess how many other women experience stomach expansion during pregnancy? All of them. So put the camera down, and go paint the nursery or something.
Bad Day Guy
Sorry you're having a rough day, bro, but no one cares how bad it is. Why? We all have bad days. What do normal people do about them? They try to make them better. They don't mope about them online hoping to get some pity points.
PDAc (Public Display of Annoying conversation)
What better way to tell your significant other that you love them or that you liked that thing they do/did, than to post it on their Facebook wall for the world to see? Nice work, Romeo — you're the sweetest guy on the 'net. What makes matters worse is when schmoopie responds and the conversation trickles down into a 25-line personal conversation that we all have to live through. Pick up the phone, lovebirds.
You're "eating a yummy breakfast!" You "love that new show!" You're "at the gym!" You're "feeling sick!" Your mom (or doctor) may care but, trust me, no one else does. Clean it up.
The Song Quoter
Newsflash quoter: we all like music — in fact, every single one of us probably has a favorite song or two. Some songs touch us personally and even coincidentally tie into our current emotions. But here's what separates us from you: We don't rattle off an entire verse of a song every other day. But thanks for ruining that song for us forever. I'm looking at you, too, Inspirational Quoter.
Best Night Ever-er
If you have to publicly announce that you just had a "best night ever," then I'm guess you need to go out more. And Best Night Ever-er usually leads to…
Cool, you drank a ton last night. Either you have a problem or you can't handle your booze — either way, grab some Coconut Water and hit up the nearest greasy spoon. And if you do, you better not be…
How good does that meal you ordered look? Good enough to break out a camera phone and show the world you're about to nosh on some delicious eats? I'm not going to lie. I kind of like food, too. In fact, I eat about three meals of food per day just like the rest of us on Facebook.
Oh cool, you're laying on sand and you are within walking distance to an ocean. We've never been in that situation before. Can you take more images of it?
If you have more than three photos on your Facebook page that are of you holding up your own camera, drop everything instantly and go ask a shrink why you don't have any friends. Or family members that can stand you. Or neighbors. Or a homeless person with hands. Basically anyone that can hold a camera or join you in a picture.
You like to travel. You like to dine out. You like to go places. I get it, I really do — in fact, I love those three things as well! But I just don't feel the need to let the World Wide Web know exactly where I am at every second of every day. If you check in from "the bathroom" I'll sprint to your home and give you a swirly.
Unless you're in direct contact with Mrs. Mother Nature, you don't have to compliment the day's weather. Everyone in your surrounding area — the majority of your "friends" — also know that it's "a beautiful day."
Now think back to the few Facebook posts Thomas has made over the last few weeks — not so bad, eh?
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