Some people spend their entire lives searching for the thesaurus.
Well, Marc Sessler is not like most people. The NFL.com writer has mastered the art of synonym use with plenty of life to spare.
Sessler reacted to Saturday’s game between the Patriots and Buffalo Bills by firing shots at New England’s fanbase, for some reason. But rather than craft a take like a normal person, Sessler compiled one of the most obnoxiously verbose paragraphs you’ll ever read.
Take a look:
The Patriots advance beyond ‘dumbly annoying’ to ‘death-ray ponderous’ levels. Their soft-bellied fanatics fanned and fed grapes as if they’d accomplished literately a particle of tangible progress in their own lives. Floating in soft ecstasy. Foxborough thicks. Vicarious goons.
— Marc Sessler (@MarcSessler) December 22, 2019
Translation: Patriots fans are spoiled. Was that really so hard?
Perhaps the worst part of Sessler’s take is how it’s lacking in self-awareness. The unwavering interest of those “vicarious goons” (and each NFL team has them, by the way) is why jobs in sports media exist in the first place. Sessler wouldn’t be in a position to report on the NFL if it weren’t for fans.
But hey, some people would rather act like the second coming of Dr. Seuss than offer anything genuinely insightful.
