Five Excuses Manny Ramirez Could Use to Avoid Playing the Red Sox

As any Red Sox fan over the age of 12 will remember, Manny Ramirez is full of excuses. Excuses for his bad behavior, his noticeable laziness and his financial demands.

At times, it seemed as if he would tear apart Boston’s roster. But then, with one swing of the bat, Manny would make everyone forget about his frustrating, childish antics. The Manny attraction switched coasts in 2008, and on Friday, for the first time, he will return to his old stomping grounds of Fenway Park.

But it just doesn’t seem right for the Dodgers to arrive in Boston, play a three-game set and fly off into the sunset. It’s so clean, so quiet, so un-Manny. Will he find a way to wriggle out of the starting lineup? After all, this is Manny Ramirez.

Here are five excuses Manny may toss Joe Torre to get out of playing the Red Sox this weekend.

1. “I’m not gonna be here next year, so why be there in June?”
In February, Manny told reporters, “I won’t be here next year, so I’m just gonna enjoy myself.” It’s possible that this is the weekend he decides to take a little vacation. He did get to start 2009 with 50 games off, and without that break, 2010 sure does seem long. He’s just saving himself for the stretch run to the All-Star break, though, so it’s time off well spent.

2. “Manny’s just not feeling like Manny.”
As any good prima donna does, Manny often refers to himself in the third person. And also as any good prima donna does, Manny will take off when he just isn’t feeling it. He could pull a Darrelle Revis and fake a hamstring pull so he can sit on the sidelines, but it’s likely Manny won’t be that creative. He’ll just be straight with his manager and tell him he knows what it’s like when Manny’s being Manny, and this just isn’t that time.

3. “It’s too cloudy for me to see.”
Always donning his trademark Oakley’s, Manny will not be a fan of having to leave sunny L.A. for unpredictable Boston. Even the slightest sign of some cumulonimbus clouds will obscure Manny’s routine of catching fly balls in the outfield, as the cloud cover will create far too many shadows for the 38-year-old. Nevermind that the forecast calls for sunny skies and warm temperatures. The chance that the Fenway outfield is not covered in sun is enough for Manny.

4. “I’m reactivating my eBay account.”
Not every athlete puts up items for auction on eBay, but Manny does. Whether the grill with a starting price of $4,000 was his or his neighbor’s, Manny did, in fact, put the item up for sale on the online marketplace. It may be a hobby for him, giving the overworked and overstressed outfielder a chance to blow off some steam. The baseball world knows he needs a break every once in a while.

5. “The door into the Monster is too hard to ignore.”
Outfielders have to deal with obstructing fans and the occasional wildlife invading their space, both of which Manny has shown he can handle. That door leading into the Green Monster, on the other hand, is too tempting for Manny to ignore. He said he relieved himself in there back in 2005, but who knows if he found something that piques his interest more than the game at hand? He had to get out of the Fenway left field for a reason, and this may be a lesser-known one. Just as Alice was curious enough to go down the rabbit hole, Manny is curious enough to head back into the Monster – and who knows if it will be during a pitching change this time?