Well, it's not, but even if it were, Super Bowl weekend presents an entirely new set of obstacles. That's right, I'm talking about the prop bets.
We've got coin flips, end-of-quarter scores, field-goal distance bets and (obviously) the most important one of the evening: Will Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian get engaged if the Saints win?
These are the decisions you can't make without some assistance, and that's what I'm here for. But first, let's get that little football game out of the way so we can deal with the important stuff.
New Orleans (+5) over Indianapolis
The game is being pegged as possibly being the greatest Super Bowl in the history of mankind, which almost assuredly means the game will be awful. And really, you can make strong cases for both teams, with some serious nit-picking being the only deciding factor.
So let's pick some nits.
Obviously, both dome teams will deal with the horror of open air on Sunday. Both teams played six games exposed to wind and grass this year, and both went 5-1. New Orleans outscored opponents 202-123, while Indy outscored opponents 148-108. They had two common outdoor opponents (Buffalo and Miami), which the Saints outscored 73-41 and by which the Colts were outscored 53-34. Are these numbers particularly meaningful? No, of course not. But advantage: Saints.
Let's go to some numbers that mean a bit more. In the postseason, the Saints are averaging a whopping 38 points per game, while the Colts average 25. The Colts average more yards (368 to the Saints' 337.5), but aren't hitting home runs (see: Bush's ridiculous touchdown scamper, Pierre Thomas' 38-yard catch and run, Devery Henderson's 44-yard touchdown). The Colts' offense is always dangerous, but the Saints have the advantage in that they could score at any moment. More simply, no Indy lead is safe.
The intangibles would cancel each other out if the Colts were smart, but instead they're keeping Adam Vinatieri from playing. All the guy's done in his career is win Super Bowl rings. He has to be the first kicker in history to score a major sponsorship deal with a major pizza chain, and he'll be just the second kicker ever to be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I understand that it's the wrong move to make Vinatieri your kicker, given his knee that's not 100 percent, but you've got to involve this man in the game. Teach him to be a holder (that can't be hard). Let him be Peyton Manning's backup (also, not difficult). Let him punt once — if Jay Feely can do it, anyone can.
Nope. Instead, the Super Bowl fate of the Colts could rest on the leg of Matt Stover, while Vinatieri watches like you or me.
Also working against the Colts: the fact that the entire country is rooting for the Saints, the fact that the city of New Orleans has gone batpoop insane, and the fact that a local first-grader could be heard this week saying she calls the Colts "Potato Stinky Pants."
You do not want that.
The pick: Saints 38, Colts 20
Last week: 1-1
Playoffs: 6-4
Regular season: 136-119-3
Now, if you ask me, that was way too much ado. Time for my expertise. As you know, you can make roughly 358,409 different bets on Sunday, so I'll try to comb through the guaranteed winners.
What will be the result of the coin toss?
Tails never fails … except for when the coin lands on heads. Go with heads (the logo side). This thing looks weighted.
Also of note: The coin is traveling to the game from space, so if you lose this bet, appeal it on supernatural grounds. You're guaranteed to come out a winner.
The pick: Heads (-105)
The first first down in the game will happen on a pass or run play?
Easy. Run play. I'd even go as far to say it'll be the first offensive play of the game, but you can play it safe if you'd like.
The pick: Run (+155)
What color top will Kim Kardashian be wearing at the Super Bowl?
In an effort to provide you with the most in-depth research available, I've gone to the extreme measure of doing a Google Image search of Kardashian to see which color top she wears the most. As it turns out, she's not really a fan of tops (though she is a fan of tanning … or burning).
The options here are black (20-27), white (13-4) or any other color (5-4). Obviously, it'd be hard not to take any other color, because it's too easy to predict a sparkly gold outfit with "25" somewhere on it. But no, I smell something fishy. What's stopping Kardashian from telling her weirdo friends or her weirdo mom or her weirdo stepfather from laying a million on "white" so they could all split the winnings?
Be careful though — if she wears multiple colors, then all wagers are no action. Don't disappoint us, Kim.
How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem?
This right here, ladies and gentlemen, may be the toughest of them all. The cutoff point is 1:42. She's got some experience with this song on big stages (World Series, MLB All-Star Game, NFL playoff game at Qwest Field), but none this big. Her average in those three performances was 1:37.6 seconds (oh yeah, I did the math). She never went higher than 1:40. But this is the Super Bowl. You gotta take a minute to look around and smell the roses. Come on, Carrie, take your time. I'm counting on you.
(Fun fact: Jennifer Hudson took 2:11, Beyonce took 2:08 and Jordin Sparks took 1:56, so we're almost guaranteed to save 20 seconds this Sunday. Oh, and yes, I did this math as well.)
The pick: Over 1:30 (+130)
What color will the Gatorade be that's dumped on the head coach?
Here are your options: lime green, yellow, orange, red, blue, clear/water. I'd argue that it will be difficult to differentiate lime green from yellow, as lemon lime Gatorade is clearly yellow, but I'd still go with yellow.
The pick: Yellow (10-13)
Team to intercept the first pass of the game
Darren Sharper is all over this one.
The pick: New Orleans (-120)
New Orleans' last score of the game will be …
You could pick touchdown (20-37) or field goal/safety (31-20). Or, if you're smart, you could put 10 bucks on the Saints getting shut out, and at 65-1 odds, you'd have yourself covered for the rest of the game if Drew Brees, Kim Kardashian and Carrie Underwood let you down. This one's for safety's sake.
The pick: Saints won't score (65-1)
Will there be a missed extra point after a touchdown?
Here's an even better safety pick. Imagine this scenario: You've thrown a billion dollars around the board, but you can't get anything right. You missed the coin flip, your office pool numbers weren't even close, and the chili bean dip is giving you gas. Nothing's going right.
Then you remembered you bet 20 bucks that a team would miss a PAT. Then, Stover or Garrett Hartley shanks one wide left, and you've made all your money back tenfold. A forgettable Super Sunday turns into the best day of your life.
The pick: Yes (+900)
How many times will CBS show Archie Manning on TV?
The over/under is only four? We might have that covered by halftime.
The pick: Over (-190)
How many times will CBS show Tony Dungy on TV?
This o/u is even harder to fathom at 1 1/2. He's guaranteed to be on when they talk about his prediction that the Colts will roll, they'll show him when something goes wrong and they'll show him when discussing black history month. Easy.
The pick: Over (-150)
How many times will the announcers mention Hurricane Katrina in full during the game?
Normally, I'd take the over of 2 1/2, but considering Jim Nantz, as in the guy who called Haiti "Haitia" just a few short weeks ago, is involved, I'm going with the under.
The pick: Under (+140)
And finally …
If the Saints win, will Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush be engaged by July 31, 2010?
Think about it. You are hit over the head every single day with some garbage news about celebrities. A divorce, an engagement, a fight … it all blends together. Now imagine you put down a bet in early February, and by early April, you've completely forgotten about it. Wrapped up in baseball season, you couldn't pick Kim Kardashian out of a police lineup.
Then, as you're grilling burgers at your Fourth of July cookout, your cousin/niece/sister's friend's daughter checks her palm-sized laptop (remember, this is the future we're talking about) and shouts, "Oh my God! Reggie and Kim! Engaged!"
Your natural reaction is to ignore it and carry on with your burger flipping and beer drinking. Then, you remember you just earned a major pay day.
It'll be the sweetest burger you've ever eaten, and it'll be all thanks to the decisions of the daughter of a guy who was the lawyer for O.J. Simpson in his murder trial. What a country.
The pick: Yes (+150)
