Fortunately, those weeks tend to provide lots of fun and unintentionally hilarious commentary.
Let’s review, shall we? There was, of course, Mark McGwire’s shocking admission that he used performance-enhancing drugs — not to help him grow to be the size of a “water buffalo,” as Peter Gammons so eloquently put it, but instead to help him fend off pesky injuries. In an even bigger shocker, Jose Canseco had plenty to say about the revelation.
There was Gilbert Arenas’ conviction for firearm possession, which provoked some epic words of wisdom from Charles Barkley. He had a few choice things to say about being arrested for something you don’t deserve to be arrested for. (Hmm …)
There were the Knicks, who are only ever newsworthy for being epically bad at basketball — and, apparently, for blaming their ineffectiveness on haunted hotels in Oklahoma City.
There was Jasper Parnevik, who seems to have learned that expounding upon his true thoughts concerning Tiger Woods isn’t such a good idea.
And all of this was good for one thing, at least in New England: It distracted all of us from the fact that the Patriots fell flat on their faces in the playoffs worse than this dude on the premiere of American Idol. (And he’s from Boston, no less. Rough week for Beantown.)
Of course, Bill Belichick had some noteworthy gems in the ensuing news conference, so I guess everything happens for a reason.
Without further ado.
"If I had a good answer for it, I would have done a better job with it [Sunday], I guess."
–Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, when asked if there was any way to explain the Patriots’ horrible first quarter against the Ravens last Sunday
"What was there to be upbeat about?"
–Belichick, when asked to reflect on his team’s “downbeat” performance against the Ravens
"I saw the way, in my mind, the best coach in professional sports — not basketball, not football, not baseball … in all sports — handled his team. We're talking about arguably one of the greatest coaches of all time."
—Urban Meyer, who led the Florida Gators to two national championships, on observing a Bill Belichick-led practice last April. Belichick was named coach of the decade.
"If you're naïve enough to believe that helped him win a Super Bowl, you're kidding yourself. I don't believe that.”
–Former Jets and Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards, in USA Today, on the impact Spygate had on Bill Belichick’s success
"I still have a picture of that, red wig and everything. Those were good times around here.”
–Celtics forward Brian Scalabrine, on ESPN.com, reminiscing about the time Jason Kidd’s son dressed up as Scalabrine for Halloween when the two were Nets teammates
“The other player offered to settle matters with a fist fight, but Arenas, 28, said he was too old for that and suggested he would instead burn the other player's car or shoot him in the face. The argument on the plane ended with the other player saying he would shoot Arenas in his surgically repaired knee.”
–The Associated Press, on the events that led to Gilbert Arenas’ firearm possession conviction
“The night of my DUI, if I had killed somebody, I deserve to get fired. … But we can't go out there and grab people in the streets and say, 'That guy might kill people one day.'"
–TNT analyst Charles Barkley, on NBA Tip-Off , on why Gilbert Arenas should not be arrested for firearm possession
“I think that’s the 1 o’clock start more than anything. What the hell’s wrong with these Canadians? What the hell’s wrong with you guys? Don’t you sleep on Sunday?”
–Celtics head coach Doc Rivers, in the Boston Herald, on Boston’s 1 p.m. start against the Raptors
“There's no way two guys the size of water buffaloes could be stuck inside those stalls injecting each other.”
–NESN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, on Jose Conseco’s assertion that he injected Mark McGwire with steroids in the stalls in the Oakland Athletics clubhouse
“Tom [Brady] will be the first to tell you that that wasn’t his best game. It probably wasn’t even his second-to-the-best game.”
–Patriots linebacker Junior Seau, on Inside the NFL, on Tom Brady’s playoff performance against the Ravens
"I'm tired of justifying what I've said. I've polygraphed, I've proven that I'm 100 percent accurate. I never exaggerated. I told it the way it actually happened. I'm the only one who has told it the way it actually happened. Major League Baseball is still trying to defend itself. It's strange. All I have is the truth, and I've proven that."
–Jose Canseco, on ESPN.com, on Mark McGwire’s admission that he used steroids
"They said it happened on the 10th floor, and I'm the only one staying on the 10th floor. That's why I spent most of my time in [Nate Robinson's] room. I definitely believe there are ghosts in that hotel."
–Knicks center Eddy Curry on staying in an allegedly haunted hotel in Oklahoma City while in town to play the Thunder
"I wasn't going to comment on it, but I would like to congratulate the people that voted for Darrelle Revis. These guys obviously really know the game. And you've got to look at all the numbers, not just a number about this, or this stat or that stat. A number I think is interesting would be eight. And no, that's not the amount of touchdown passes Green Bay gave up against Arizona. That is the number of touchdown passes we gave up all season. And the biggest reason for that is Darrelle Revis.”
–Jets head coach Rex Ryan, on newyorkjets.com, on why Darrelle Revis should have been named the league’s Defensive Player of the Year
"I've kind of stayed out of it. It's better that people don't approach me if I don't know anything. That way I don't say anything that I shouldn't have. Like if she told me something and I let it slip out. It's better that I don't know, so I can say, 'I don't know.’ I have an idea through my wife. But I don't want to be the one who says something wrong."
–Jasper Parnevik, in the AP, on the drama surrounding former nanny Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods
