I understand. I want nothing to do with this day any more than you do. We’re going to hear all about 27-this and 27-that. Suffer through parade footage, John Sterling calls and Suzyn Waldman tears. It will be as much fun as a punch-yourself-in-the-face contest.
It’s not that I’m jealous of all those Derek Jeter lovers seemingly multiplying exponentially over the last few months. They’ve waited years for such joy, such rapture, despite the best efforts of Kevin Brown and Kei Igawa. I don’t even think they have duckboats.
Still, it’s painful, as best summed up by the following poem:
We tip our caps in the direction of I-95 South
While throwing up a little in our mouths.
It’s taken all morning, but I’ve tried to compile a list of truths to make us feel better — positives in our favor even on a dreary, pinstriped day. We welcome your additions, and remember, we’re all in this together.
1. We have no immediate plans to go hunting with Vicente Padilla.
2. Since the invention of fluoride, cavities are down like 90 percent.
3. At least they didn’t knock around a former Red Sox icon, eliciting unpleasant memories. Oh wait.
4. The inevitable bout with swine flu will allow us to finally catch up on the DVR.
5. We’re pretty sure we could still take Don Zimmer in a fight.
6. Venkatraman Ramakrishnan, Thomas Steitz and Ada Yonath used X-ray crystallography to map the position for each and every one of the hundreds of thousands of atoms that make up the ribosome, thereby creating detailed blueprints of the ribosome, which as you know, are the protein-making machinery within cells. Isn’t that great? Take that, bacterium.
7. One time I found like 20 bucks in my pocket.
8. The world has never before been so connected. For example, right now, a Facebook friend is trying to tell you what Golden Girl she is or that she just bought a virtual goat.
9. Three words — extended unemployment benefits.
10. Somewhere, there’s a Yankee fan using a Snuggie.
10a. Only 100 or so days until spring training.
I’ll leave with one more poem, little cherubs:
Whenever times are tough, and there seems no light at the end of the tunnel,
Take heart. You could be glowing in Chernobyl.
Be well my friends,
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