This past Sunday, the Cincinnati Bengals earned one of the season's more surprising victories, upending the defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers 23-20 on a late touchdown pass from Carson Palmer. Despite the low expectations surrounding them coming into the season, the Bengals improved to 2-1 with the win and showed that they're a force to be reckoned with in the AFC North.
And once again, fantasy sports imitate life. At least here in the NESN Fantasy Football League.
Terrence Johnson's "Crooked Lettas" played the role of the Bengals in Week 3, putting some crooked numbas up on the board in spanking my previously undefeated "Gray Cutoff Hoodies" 121.05-104.90. The Crooked Lettas, now 2-1 and tied for first in the Eastern Division, benefited from Aaron Rodgers' huge 35.25-point game and solid performances from backs Steven Jackson and Cedric Benson — ironically, a Bengal.
"Sorry I had to beat that a$$ this week," Johnson told me after posting the league-high points total of the week.
"If it makes you feel better," the soft-spoken Southerner sympathetically insisted, "I was never too comfortable, especially after all of that [expletive] Week 1 when I was up about 50 points on [John] Carchedi before he came back to knock me off at the end. After that, I'll never feel comfortable with a lead again.
"I was all excited that opening Sunday when I went up big," Johnson continued with a faraway look in his eyes, "but after the Monday night game [and Carchedi came back], I just kept staring at my computer screen … like, ‘Seriously?' It's like that Mad Dog hangover. That night, you're happy and feeling great. But the next day, it's like, ‘Wow, life really isn't as great as you thought it was.'"
Life certainly wasn't good for the Hoodies in Week 3. Reached for comment following the defeat, I told NESN.com, "You'll have to check my Twitter account for my official comments, but I'll say this: They are who we thought they were. You saw the game … what do you think? We're just going with the plays that are called."
When a reporter followed up with a question about the poor performance (7.40 points) of Saints quarterback Drew Brees, I responded, "You'd have to ask [Brees]. I'm just going with the plays that are called. Whether I like them or don't, I'm just going with the plays that are called."
Another high-profile Week 3 matchup saw Cole Wright's "I MEAN BUSINESS" put the smack down on Heidi Watney's "Favre Forever" squad 111.75-88.65.
Cole attributed the big win to Colts QB Peyton Manning, whose 379 yards passing and four touchdowns on Sunday night were responsible for over 40 fantasy points alone.
"All I have to say is, ‘You're my favorite accountant!'" Cole said. "Sorry Heidi, but that's what happens when you go up against I MEAN BUSINESS. You always have to be aware of my 6-foot-5 quarterback with a laser rocket arm!"
Heidi was sullen following her second straight setback.
"Alright, I stink," she said sullenly, questioning her own decision making. "[Cowboys QB Tony] Romo is benched. In fact, my bench has scored more points than my starters for two straight weeks! Congrats to Cole on the win."
But she was quick to make the transition to trash-talking for the following week.
"Now I'm going to have to turn it up a notch. Whoever is taking on Favre Forever next week better be ready!"
Cut to the frightened Gray Cutoff Hoodies manager gulping in an exaggerated, overdramatic manner.
The real team to fear in the coming weeks appears to be the one managed by Kathryn Tappen. The Tappenators rang John Chandler's "More Cowbell" 106.30-87.45 in Week 3 as the Chandler show was halted after the previous week's successes of 49ers running back Frank Gore, who strained his ankle, sprained his foot and managed a paltry four yards rushing.
The Tappenators, on the other hand, got a huge day from first-round pick Maurice Jones-Drew and strolled to their second win in three games.
"Our one-man show isn't a reliable plan of attack," said a Tappenators team official who wished to remain anonymous, "but we'll take it. Last week it was Chris Johnson, this week it was M J-D. Next week? Who knows? We may even have our scouting department digitize John Chandler, have him strap on the fantasy pads and watch him single-handedly carry the Tappenators over John Carchedi's Italian Ninjas."
Speaking of the Italian Ninjas, Carchedi's squad was down big to Naoko Funayama's "UNITAS" team heading into Monday night's Panthers-Cowboys game. But Carchedi was still awaiting the totals from Carolina RB DeAngelo Williams and Dallas' Felix Jones and Nick Folk. Carchedi made up the deficit and more. But Steve Smith's 38 yards in the air for Carolina lifted Naoko's lot to their first victory of the young season, a ridiculously narrow 98.50-97.55 decision.
"I'm happy to see our team got a win," said a relieved Naoko. "Everyone knows you can't be a real winning squad without at least 100 points, but I got lucky this week. I still heart Carchedi."
Carchedi still hearts Naoko, too, no doubt. But narrow losses tend to be the most painful.
"If a tie is like kissing your sister," said Carchedi, "losing by less than a point is like having your sister punch you in the face."
Here's hoping that Week 4 is kinder to all teams involved in the NESN.com Fantasy Football League.
