Following last week's remarkable comeback victory, Terrence Johnson and his "Crooked Lettas" earned another big win, leaving Heidi Watney and "Favre Forever" in the dust 137.15-103.55. Despite bye weeks for three starters, Johnson's team came through in a major way.
"I'll say this was probably my second-biggest win of the year, considering the [bye week] situation," the gently giant EVS operator said. "Despite a solid effort from Matt Cassel filling in for Aaron Rodgers, the game ball goes to Cedric Benson. He really stepped it up, running for 100-plus yards on the Ravens for the first time since loaves of bread came in slices."
Terrence's torrent of trash talk continued: "I was nervous waking up Sunday morning and realizing [Heidi's running back] Adrian Peterson was facing the Rams D. Fortunately he picked this week to mail it in (along with a couple of other players for Farve Forever). Anyway, it gets scary if Heidi changes her roster, but I'll take the win."
The roster change Heidi didn't make that Terrence was referring to was Watney admittedly forgetting to remove Marques Colston — on a bye week — from her lineup. But Heidi had a legitimate excuse for the faux pas.
"Now that the Red Sox are out of the playoffs," she said, "I can devote my full attention to domination on the fantasy gridiron … so watch out! I'll take my 1-4 record and turn that right around. No more forgetting to set my roster because I flew overnight from L.A. to Boston and slept all day! Favre Forever is about to make a comeback."
That comeback would have to begin at the hands of John Chandler and "More Cowbell," who pounded a certain NESN.com associate editor's "Gray Cutoff Hoodies" 105.8-81.2 in Week 5.
"It appears, at least this week, I was better than you," Chandler humbly wrote.
"That's all I have to say," he continued. "Any further comment will be referred to the mouthpiece of More Cowbell, Braylon Edwards. (Wait, did I forget to suspend him this week for punching LeBron's buddy? Whoops.)"
The fantasy league commissioner has promised to review the evidence surrounding the punch in question. A ruling on the possible suspension is expected sometime in 2014.
For the Hoodies, who fell to second place in the Eastern Division with the loss, the embarrassing performance was a difficult pill to swallow.
"Really, David Garrard?" I screamed rhetorically at my computer screen. "My two big-boy QBs are on byes, so you decide to throw for 188 yards, fumble twice and put up 5.5 points? Really? Thanks a million.
"Really, Calvin Johnson?" I spat at the helpless Dell monitor. "You decide to get hurt and leave the game with two yards to your name? Well done. ? C'mon, really?"
"Seriously, Fred Jackson?" I continued. "Your Bills put up three whole points against the Browns? At home? Congratulations to you, sir. Turn in your playbook at the door."
Bouncing back in Week 4 were Kathryn's "Tappenators," who united to unravel Naoko Funayama's "UNITAS" squad 100.2-87.3 to remain in first place in the Western Division.
"We would like to commend team UNITAS for its outstanding performance on Sunday," Kathryn declared on Tuesday in a prepared statement. "It was a battle, and they're a great team with a great coach. We hope team owner Naoko Funayama enjoys the Edible Arrangement we've sent as a thank you for the great work ethic they displayed on the fantasy field."
Neither Naoko nor quarterback Joe Flacco were available for comment ? presumably because they were chowing down on the delectable kiwi fruit and dipped bananas that had mysteriously appeared on the doorstep of their team headquarters.
"However," the Tappenators' coach went on to say, "we're not completely satisfied with our team's overall performance, and we have a lot of work to do to get ready for this week's rematch against Cole Wright's "I MEAN BUSINESS." We had a sub-par performance in Week 1 against Mr. Wright and I can assure you that with the division lead on the line, we will not tolerate Mr. Wrong's insanity this time on the field. Unlike this week's Edible Arrangement, the only thing the Tappenators will be sending out this week is a message, loud and clear: "the Tappenators play for keeps!"
Speaking of Mr. Wright, his I MEAN BUSINESS team refused to get caught in its potential Week 5 trap game, stopping John Carchedi's "Italian Ninjas" 111.35-82.55.
Peyton Manning's 31.45 points led the way for IMB — not to be confused with MIB — and Cole also benefited from solid numbers from running backs Joseph Addai and Ricky Williams. So was Cole continuously singing "Cut that meat!" following the victory (especially considering that IMB could also be an acronym for "I'm making bacon")? No, his postgame news conference took on a more swaggerific tone.
"I will say this," he crowed. "Despite a loss last week to Terrence's weak squad, I rebounded this week against John's even weaker team. Sorry, JC. All's fair in fantasy football. And just like all the way back in Week 1, I MEAN BUSINESS."
"Karma is a sensitive thing," replied the pensive and philosophical Carchedi. "Cut off one car on the expressway, and your fantasy team turns to poop. Granted, the women was in labor, but still."
Enjoy your Week 6 action and be sure to keep up with your favorite fantasy footballers right here.
