It all started when Tom Brady?s new baby was born.
Then, there was a snowstorm. Snow usually brings great gifts to Foxborough. Instead, it brought a tardy crew of Patriots — Adalius Thomas, Randy Moss, Derrick Burgess and Gary Guyton — to a team meeting, and an irate Bill Belichick sent them all home.
Then, Adalius Thomas lost his mind, informed the media of his displeasure over being treated like a "kindergartner," and began throwing out cartoon metaphors about flying cars.
Then, to top it all off, the freaking mascot got arrested for prostitution-related activities. Seriously.
So much negativity. It?s time to regroup.
Fortunately, here?s an eerie coincidence for you: The first time Tom Brady became a father, the Patriots won that week?s game 24-7 — against the Panthers. It was an exhibition game, but it must be a good omen.
In other news, in a momentous event, I managed to uncover Adam Lambert?s first-ever sports-related commentary (aside from, ?You really think I watch football??), and shockingly, it?s funny. Legitimately funny. Plus, Dennis Rodman sounds off on Tiger Woods (you know this has to be good), Jasper Parnevik fires off Round 2 against Tiger and Terry Francona revels in his team?s ability to consistently fill out a complete lineup card.
"Motivation is for kindergartners. I'm not a kindergartner. Sending somebody home, that's like, 'You're expelled until you come back and make good grades.' Get that [bleep] out of here. It's ridiculous. … I don't know, teaching tool? I don't know. I can't figure out what Bill thinks or knows."
—Patriots linebacker Adalius Thomas, on Boston.com, on being sent home for being late to a team meeting
"What do you do? It's not The Jetsons. I can't jump up and just fly. What the heck am I supposed to do?"
—Thomas, on ESPNBoston.com, on being stuck in a snowstorm that made him late for a team meeting
"Why is everyone so obsessed w ?Cheetah? Woods' personal life?"
—Adam Lambert, via Twitter
"I think people expect me to do it, you know, it?s just Dennis. But Tiger, that?s a different story. He has a squeaky-clean image, and they just want to find anything. A car wreck has just almost blew his life out of control, just a car wreck."
—Former NBA star Dennis Rodman, in OK! magazine, on the difference between himself and Tiger Woods
"We're amazingly consistent in that every year we always have a left fielder, and I'm guessing we're going to have one this year, too."
—Red Sox manager Terry Francona, on Boston.com, on the hoopla surrounding the hunt for a Jason Bay replacement
"I owe it to the guys in the locker room to really focus on what I need to do for this team and put all these emotions aside and kind of come in here with a great sense of determination on what we have to do as a team. So, as a captain and a leader of this team, the last thing they need from me is to be really not focused on the job at hand. There's plenty of things for me to really be doing here this week."
—Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, on Yahoo Sports, on focusing on the Panthers game instead of his new baby
"I vouched for the guy. I told [Elin], ?This is the guy that I think is everything you want. He's true. He's honest. He has great values. He has everything you would want in a guy.? And, uh, I was wrong."
—Jasper Parnevik, on ESPN, on setting up his former nanny with Tiger Woods
"These young men want to win, and that?s why I?m here at Notre Dame. I want to be around men that are committed, and we can?t trade anybody. There?s no waiver wire. We?re going to develop our players, and they?re going to play their very best for us. That, to me, has always been the most important principle. Let?s go. Don?t tell me what you don?t have. I don?t want to know about it. Tell me what you can do to help us win."
—Brian Kelly, on Yahoo Sports, on why he decided to leave Cincinnati to coach Notre Dame
"I remember when I first got in the league, Marty Schottenheimer told me you don?t catch the ball with your hands, you catch the ball with your eyes, which I thought was very interesting, and it works."
—Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker, on NESN.com, on how he learned his sound football fundamentals
"It's just a frustrating part of this game. I asked him if I could at least try to practice [Thursday] and he said, 'No way, because I know if you practice tomorrow, then you're going to play and we don't want to run any risk of further injury.' It's difficult to handle."
—Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, in The Associated Press, on being benched by Rex Ryan for Sunday?s game because of an injury
"Our public is pretty forgiving at times. Time usually heals all wounds. I think the hardest thing is obviously his family. That's a private matter for him and his family."
—Legendary golfer Jack Nicklaus, on ESPN.com, on Tiger Woods