For starters, that whole "run prevention" thing is over. Sure, Adrian Beltre, Marco Scutaro and Mike Cameron were steady in the field, but they were also a combined 5-for-9 with two walks, three RBIs and two runs scored. Beltre, obviously benefiting from the Green Monster's presence (even though he didn't come close to hitting it), is in line to drive in 324 runs this year — 203 more than his previous single-season high. Cameron, who has made his mark as a 150-plus strikeout guy, has a gaudy .750 on-base percentage. Suffice to say, the bottom of the order will be the top of the order by Tuesday evening.
For the Yankees, Joba Chamberlain clearly can't work as a reliever (1 1/3 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 1 BB, 6.75 ERA), so it's time the Yankees move him to a new position to screw him up even further. They'll probably move him to catcher, as 38-year-old Jorge Posada looked his age when he was unable to squeeze a misplaced fastball. He'll likely retire by dinnertime on Monday.
The Yanks' ace will also make news on Monday by changing his name from Carsten Charles Sabathia to Charleston Chew Sabathia, an homage to his offseason training regimen. (Get it? It's because he looked … umm … well … sort of big. Hilarious and original, I know.)
The good news keeps coming for the Red Sox when it comes to their bullpen. Scott Schoeneweis barely made the team, but he's already shown that he'll likely be the best reliever of all time (1 IP, 1 SO, 0 H, 0 BB, 10 pitches, eight strikes). Jonathan Papelbon's also obviously exorcised his demons from October, as the single he allowed to Posada was a minor blemish on a dominant ninth inning.
In terms of entertainment at the ballpark, Red Sox fans can expect Fenway to become a hotbed for celebrities this year, based on the presence of Steven Tyler, Neil Diamond, Dr. Dre, LeBron James and (most notably) the 5-year-old kid who delivers Herb Brooks' speech from Miracle. No word yet on who will follow that crowd, but the Red Sox have 80 more opportunities to keep up the star power.
Unfortunately for Boston, it was not all sunshine and rainbows at the end of Sunday night's three-hour, 46- minute affair. No, no, no. For one, "run prevention" is deemed ineffective when the starting pitcher surrenders the gopher ball, and Josh Beckett did that twice. Terry Francona likely will shuffle his "Rotation of Aces" throughout the year to make sure Beckett avoids the Yankees at all costs.
Then there's David Ortiz, who went 0-for-3 with a walk. He'll certainly stay in a funk through May, and he might as well kiss those extension hopes goodbye. He'll be replaced by Mike Lowell, who will go down as the most beloved Red Sox player of all time, based on that pregame ovation.
The Jacoby Ellsbury move to left also is a complete and utter failure, as the former center fielder couldn't make catches on a second-inning low liner and a fourth-inning wall ball. The Red Sox probably will have to trade him for Manny Ramirez if they want to have a shot at the postseason.
That won't be the only Ramirez on the move, either. They'll have to replace this Ramon Ramirez with this Ramon Ramirez after the former coughed up two runs in just 1/3 of an inning to bring his ERA to 54.01 (placing Boston's bullpen as the second-worst in all of baseball).
It's also evident from Sunday night that the Red Sox will continue to struggle throwing out base stealers. The Derek Jeter/Brett Gardner double steal was the essence of baserunning perfection, and poor Victor Martinez will be left to deal with his 0 percent caught-stealing rate.
The Sox will have another nemesis, too, as first base umpire Angel Hernandez twice robbed the home team of safe calls. The first came when Cameron was doubled up at first base, and the second came on a would-be Dustin Pedroia single. It'll be an uphill battle for the Red Sox to work with just 25 outs every night, but they showed on Sunday that it shouldn't be a major issue.
These statements, of course, are all facts — indisputable, incontrovertible and irrefutable — and will absolutely hold true for the remainder of the season … or at least until Tuesday night.
