'Penguins Report Matt Cooke Missing' and Other April Fools' Day Headlines In addition to being the perfect time to play practical jokes on your friends — one year, I told a Duke-junkie friend of mine that the entire Final Four team got busted toting illegal substances through airport security, and she believed me — April Fools' Day is the perfect time to do some wishful thinking.

In honor, here are some headlines New Englanders would be amused to find at the top of the sports section on April 1, 2010. 

Penguins Report Forward Matt Cooke Missing
Given Cooke's less-than-courteous treatment of Marc Savard's head during a March 7 win over the Bruins, might a few surly members of the Black and Gold have an idea where he disappeared to? Of course not. The Bruins are focused on one thing and one thing only: the playoffs. They don't have time to be interrogated about missing Penguins.

Zdeno Chara: 'If Bruins Miss Playoffs, I'll Sign Temporary Contract With Celtics'
Big Z is getting to the playoffs, one way or another. It doesn't matter if it's on the ice or on the hardwood. And the Celtics could always use another 6-foot-9 specimen of superhuman athleticism up front.

Tom Brady Retires to Pursue Modeling Career
The biological clock is ticking on Tommy, and as Tyra Banks would be glad to tell you, he doesn't have many more of his prime years left. (Actually, technically, his modeling prime has long since expired.) But this is Tom Brady we're talking about, so the rules don't apply. And he really misses those baby goats.

ABC Chooses Tiger Woods As Next Season's 'Bachelor'
Combine the ratings for the Super Bowl, the Olympics, the State of the Union Address and the American Idol finale — and this will blow them out of the water. 

Derek Jeter Demands Trade From Yankees, Would Rather Play 'Anywhere But New York'
Not that we'd even want him in Boston (OK, I'm done pretending that's true), but it's always fun to see malcontent superstars on the archrival's team. (Not that that's ever happened in Boston.)

Bill Belichick to Replace Simon Cowell on 'American Idol'
Forget Elton John and Howard Stern. There is no one on the face of the earth that can go toe-to-toe in terms of intimidation tactics, honesty to a fault and disregard for general human emotion. Plus, Belichick has discovered his fair share of talent and certainly knows what it takes to produce a champion. And speaking of Belichick …

Inside Track: Bromance Continues as Bill Belichick, Adalius Thomas Spotted Together at Trivia Night in Somerville
… Because these two love each other so much. BFFs forever. But it's doubtful that their chemistry on a trivia team could possibly be as magical as their chemistry on the football field.

Rasheed Wallace Terminates Contract With Celtics, Agrees to Portray Rapper Red Man in Biopic
We already know that one Celtic was pretty close to getting a shot at a role in an Oscar-winning film. Now it's Sheed's turn.

Shelden Williams Released by Celtics, Replaced by Wife Candace Parker
OK, that was mean.

Pleased With Success in ACC, Boston College Joins SEC For Greater Challenge
Now that the Eagles have torn through two of the elite conferences in college basketball, they're ready for a third. And they're ready to do it without a coach, too. Well done.

Colin Campbell Steps Down as NHL Disciplinarian, Cam Neely Named Successor
I could make a really bad Dumb and Dumber joke right here, but I won't.

The Red Sox sign the real Sidd Finch.
He's "part yogi, part recluse" and all fiction. Happy April Fools' Day.